you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
