Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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