3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
