Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
