My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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