New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
