The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
