I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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