I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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