If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
