he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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