Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You brought string cheese to the strip club
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
