respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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