im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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