i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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