If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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