my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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