im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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