Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
