I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
