your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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