You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize