apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
True strength comes from lack of pants
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
