yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
People in love make me want to vomit
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My penis needs a shock collar
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
