I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
