I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
