I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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