I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
