I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
