based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
