I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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