I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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