anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
