you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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