Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
