I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
