I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
