To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
