dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
