Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
