I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
