I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
