Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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