I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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