maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
