I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
