mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
