I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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