I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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