from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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