cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
