Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
