Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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