Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
