my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
