when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
