Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
