Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
