Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
